Prableen Kaur: Hell on Utøya // Rough translation of Prableen's Norwegian post since I feel this // deserves to be read by a wider audience. The original is here: // http://prableen.origo.no/-/bulletin/show/672218_helvete-paa-utoeya I am awake. I don't manage to sleep any more. I am sitting in the living room. Feeling grief, anger, happiness, God I don't know what. There are too many feelings. There are too many thoughts. I am scared. I react to the slightest sound. I want to write now about what happened on Utøya. What my eyes saw, what I felt, what I did. The words are coming straight from my heart, but I will anonymise many names out of respect for my friends. We had a crisis meeting in the main building after the explosion in Oslo. After that there was a separate meeting for members from Akershus and Oslo. After the meetings many, many were in and around the main building. We comforted one another that we were safe on an island. No-one knew that hell would break out among us as well. I was standing in the main hall when the panic broke out. I heard shots. I saw him shoot. Everyone began to run. The first thought was, "Why is the police shooting at us? What the hell?!" I ran into the smaller meeting room. People were running. Screaming. I was scared. I managed to get into one of the rooms at the very back of the building. We were many in there. We were all lying on the floor. We heard several shots. Got more scared. I cried. I did not understand anything. I saw my best friend through the window and wondered if I should go out to get him in to me. I did not manage to. I saw the fear in his eyes. We remained lying on the floor in the room for some minutes. We agreed that we would not get anyone else in in case the killer came. We heard several shots and decided to jump out of the window. Panic broke out among us. Everyone inside the room rushed to the window and tried to jump out. I was the last one and thought: "I am the last to jump out of the window. Now I will die. I am sure, but maybe it's ok, then I know that the others are safe." I threw my bag out of the window. Tried to climb down, but missed the roof. I landed hard on the left side of my body. A guy helped me up. We ran into the wood. I looked around me. "Is he here? Is he shooting at me? Do I see him?" A girl had broken her ankle. Another one was badly injured. I tried to help a bit before I continued down towards to the water. I tried to find cover behind some kind of brick wall. We were many. I was praying, praying, praying. I was hoping that God saw me. I called my Mum and said that it was not sure that we would meet again, but that I would do everything to make it. I said several times that I loved her. I heard the fear in her voice. She was crying. It hurt. I sent a text message to my Dad, saying that I loved him. I sent another text message to a person I love very, very much I sent another text message to my best friend. He did not answer. We heard several shots. Curled together. Did every thing we could to keep warm. There were so many thoughts. I was so scared. Dad called me. I cried, said that I loved him. He said that he was on the way together with my brother to get me when I came over to the main land or when they came to the island. There were so many feelings. So many thoughts. I prayed all I could. Some time passed. The others called their parents. After a while everyone began to send text messages out of fear that the killer should hear us. I thought about my sister who is out travelling. How should I tell her how it went? What had happened to me. I updated on Twitter and Facebook that for now I was alive and that I was "safe". I wrote that I was waiting for the police. People jumped into the water, started to swim. I remained lying there. I decided that if he came, I would play dead. I would not run or swim. I cannot describe the fear, all the thoughts, what I was feeling. A man came. "I am from the police." I remained lying. Someone shouted back that he had to prove it. I do not remember exactly what he said, but the killer started to shoot. He reloaded. Shot more. He shot those around me. I remained lying. I thought: "Now it is over. He is here. He takes me. Now I die." People screamed. I heard that others were shot. Others jumped into the water. I was lying there. My mobile phone in my hand. I was lying on top of a girl's legs. Two others were lying on my leg. I remained lying. Text messages come in. The mobile rang several times. I remained lying. I played dead. I was lying there at least an hour. It was completely silent. I cautiously turned my head to see if I could see anyone alive. I saw dead bodies. I saw blood. Fear. I decided to get up. I had been lying on a dead body. Two dead bodies were lying on top of me. I had a guardian angel. I did not know if he would come back again. I did not dare to check who had called and texted me. I rushed down to the water. Took off my sweater. It was big. I thought it would be hard to swim with it. I wondered if I should take my mobile with me or leave it. I put it in my back pocket and jumped in. I saw several others out in the water. They had swum a long way. I saw that some had gathered around a floating rubber boat or something like that. There were many who picked up those who swam over there. I swam, swam, and swam towards the boat thingie. I shouted. Cried. Got cold. Thought that now I would drown. It got harder and harder. I prayed. I continued. Got tired in the arms. Decided to turn on my back and just use my legs to continue swimming. I sank. I began to swim normally gain. For a little while I thought that those who had gathered around the rubber boat started to move away. I screamed. Begged them to wait for me. I must have been seeing things. In any case I swam some hundred meters before I reached them. We talked a bit together. Told our names, where we came from. When the boats passed by we cried for help, but they first picked up those who were just swimming. A man in a boat came to us. He threw out several life vests. I got one. Put it on. I held onto the little air boat for a long time until the same man came back to pick us up. Everyone got up. He started to drive towards the land. After a while his little boat started to take in some water. I did all I could to get out as much water as possible. I used a bucket. I got tired. Another girl in the boat took over. We reached the land. We got blankets. The tears were pressing on me. I cried more. A lady hugged me. That was so good. I wept aloud. I sobbed. A man lent me his phone. I called my Dad: "I am alive. I made it. Now I am safe." I hung up. Cried more. We had to go a little while. Totally unknown people people took us into their cars and drove us to Sundvollen hotel. I ran in to see if I could see my best friend. I did not see him anywhere. I saw a friend. I was crying loudly. We hugged one another for a long time. That was good. I walked around, looking for friend. My heart was beating. I cried some more. I registered with the police, looked through all the lists. I did not know if my best friend was alive. I saw through all the lists. I could not find his name anywhere. I was scared. I got a duvet. Took off the wet socks. I was half naked. Got a jacket. I tried to collect myself a bit. Contacted my parents again. Dad and my big brother were on their way to get me. I drank some cocoa. Sat down. Thought. Cried. Saw more friends. Hugged them. Cried. I got to borrow a computer. Updated Facebook and Twitter again that now I was safe. I was in the hotel for several hours before my family came. I was looking for people I knew. Talked to a priest. I told him everything I had seen. That was a good conversation. A man from the Red Cross looked at all my injuries. Cleaned them. Time went by. I was with some of my friends. Everyone was talking about the same thing. How we had survived. What had happened. I asked several if they had seen my best friend. No-one had seen him. I got scared. I thought that it was my fault because we had not managed to stick together. A friend got a keycard to a hotel room. We sat down there, watched the news. There was anger, grief, so many feelings. Dad called, they had arrived. I took the elevator down. Ran out to them. Hugged my big brother and my Dad for a long time. I wept aloud. My brother also wept. It was a good moment. I saw a guy who looked like my best friend. I called his name. He turned around. It was him. We hugged for a long time. We both wept, we asked one another how we had managed. After a while I checked out and we drive home. Some others joined us in the car. My best friend came home with me. His brother had come to me together with his best friend. There were several who had gathered at my home. They did not want to go home before they had seen that I was ok. We talked a bit. I drank a glass of juice. Ate a yoghurt. Talked a bit more with my Mum and my family. I called my best female friend. It was a good conversation. She said: "I was not sure if I would ever get this call." I had to cry. We talked for a bit. Then I went to sleep. It was three o' clock. My Mum refused to let me sleep alone so we stayed together. There have been a few hours now since all this happened. I am still in shock. It all has not sunk in. I have seen the dead bodies of my friends. Several of my friends have been saved. I am glad that I know how to swim. I am glad that I am alive. That God looked after me. There are so many feelings, so many thoughts. I am thinking about all the relatives. About all those that I have lost. About the hell that is and was on the island. The summer's most beautiful adventure has been turned into Norway's worst nightmare.